We had a plan to sell our house the first weekend after listing.  The fact that we sold within 24 hours surprised even us.  We were equally surprised to discover that weekend that we were pregnant with our fifth child.  Wow.  It wasn’t like we were playing offense, but we weren’t exactly playing defense either, if you know what I mean. ;)  The wheels for our cross-country adventure had taken 5 years to push into motion, so as odd as hitting the road with 4 1/2 children would be, we couldn’t turn back.  We were taking our big family on the road.

So what are the secrets to raising a big family?  For one, you need a legacy plan.  Also, you have to ignore those who don’t.

IGNORANCE IS BLISS (AND CONTAGIOUS)

When we were expecting our first child, Jonathan, Julie and I heard a wide array of stories and ‘friendly’ advice.  If you have children, I am sure you can relate.  So many women came up to Julie with their war stories of giving birth.  I spent ‘just a few’ nights reassuring her that most babies don’t come out sideways, don’t have 2 heads and rarely, very rarely explode on delivery.  We also had many people tell us how hard parenting is and that, no matter what, we wouldn’t be prepared.

Well, we handled Jonathan’s arrival in stride, not without stress, duress and adaptation, but we enjoyed it for what it was worth, and we actually were reasonably prepared.  Jonathan’s arrival 5 weeks early and a couple of weeks before closing on our house added to the drama, but it was all manageable.

When we announced the impending birth of our second child, we heard war stories about how having 2 children was like 3 times harder.  We heard that sure, Jonathan was a good kid, but that was just luck.  Surely the Gods would delight in setting us up for the fall and delivering to us a wild, raging lunatic of a child that would turn our household on it’s hap-hap-happy ears.  Lauren was just as docile as could be and we dealt with the gas pains as we did Jonathan, struggled with breast-feeding (especially me!) and moved along with our master family plan.

We soon heard grumbling from those with 3 children how, 1 child was cake, 2 was icing, but 3, oh my, 3 children was like handling a four-alarm fire with Dixie cups.  No way does nature prepare parents for that kind of chaos!  But, alas Nicole arrived and was perhaps, calmer than even the previous two.  Not without her moments, and you can be sure those patterns of the cow jumping over the moon in the nursery took on a new life when trying to rock a gas-riddled child to sleep at 3am, but we stuck to the plan and, hey, 3 was actually kind of fun.

Really, the hardest part of having 3 kids is realizing that you, as parents, are outnumbered.  You’ve not multi-tasked until you’ve tried to track and entertain 3 kids.  Can I get an ‘Amen’?  And kids intuitively know the numbers are in their favor and those lil SOGs use that to their advantage.  But then, we as parents countered and worked them against each other when fruitful and balance was restored.

And, believe it or not, we actually heard, no kidding, from people with 4 children stating that 3 children, in fact, was easy, but managing 4 kids was unbearable and on and on.

You know what I’ve learned?

First, I’ve known a lot of unhappy people.  Having happy children starts with having happy parents - both parents.  It just doesn’t work if there is a parent imbalance where one is happy and the other is shouldering the ‘burden’.  You have to both be committed to a plan.  Great families don’t just happen.  Great families result from teamwork and planning.  Not schedule or meal planning, legacy planning.

Secondly, I’ve learned that, typically, parents with 5 or more children don’t complain.  Apparently, too many families bear 1-4 children out of some sort of fruit-bearing wedding contract, not out of a plan and a desire to raise little people.  But, I’ve never, never heard anybody with 5 or more children talk about anything but a plan, balance, teamwork and love.  And I’ve never met a sibling to 5+ kids say they hated growing up with all of that love, camaraderie, bickering, fighting and closeness.

HERE’S A START

You see, the key to building a great family is dodging the ‘independence vs. dependence’ that society will tell you is ‘natural’.  Sorry.  It’s not natural to raise independent or dependent children.  Building a great family starts with you and it starts with setting out a plan to raise little people in an interdependent environment.

What’s the difference?

• Independent people - they don’t need anybody, so they say, and are hell-bent to prove people wrong and swim upstream alone if that’s what it takes.
• Dependent people - they need everyone and any one and if you don’t meet their needs, they will find someone or something that will.
• Interdependent people - they realize that we stand together or die alone and that sometimes we need to rely on each other and sometimes we need to struggle alone - interdependent families know which is which and work to keep each other in check, but they never let each other suffer or feel defeated.

So how can an independent parent like me and a dependent parent like Julie come together to create a flourishing interdependent family?  By creating a legacy plan and adapting our personalities.  I will share with you in a few days what our personal legacy plan is, but know this: your actions must mirror your words as you will have little chaps who follow what you do even if it is contrary to what you say - that will be your legacy.  So start creating your legacy now if you haven’t already - I don’t care if you’re 100 years old - it’s never too late to create (or re-create) a legacy.

Remember, “leave your legacy before it leaves you”.