(Originally posted January 5th, 2008)

Ok, so file this under ‘Who pays for this crap?”

Study: Monkeys ‘pay’ for sex by grooming
In the primate world sex is subject to the law of supply and demand

This was an article link I saw on my MSN home page.  Hard to resist such stupidity and hey, I’m a guy and a sociologist so I just can’t resist articles about “monkey sex”.

So, the premise of this fine-tuned, 20-month research is that monkeys engage in ‘sexual economics’ or prostitution because they engage in foreplay or grooming and are, in some instances, rewarded with sex.  I guess what ruffles my feathers is that there are no parallelisms to human behavior and that this is presented as some sort of revelation or at the least, enlightenment.

Uh, sorry.  This same thing goes on in my household and probably yours and I didn’t pay any researchers to watch me and tell me that.

Excerpts:

“Gumert found after a male grooms a female, the likelihood that she will engage in sexual activity with the male was about three times more than if the grooming had not occurred.”

“It’s a sign of friendship and family, and it’s also something that can be exchanged for sexual services,” Gumert said.

So, here’s a little study of my own.  After 30 plus years of research, I’ve discovered:

• When my mother visits and I rub her feet, I am grossed out but a good son nonetheless looking for a few points for Christmas (sorry, Mom!),
• When I rub my own feet, I am excited because I can still reach them,
• When I rub your feet, put on your winter suit, because hell has just frozen over,
• When I rub my dog’s feet, I am being playful and passing time with my buddy,
• When I rub my wife’s feet, my eyes are dilated, my breath is heavy and I’m looking for fireworks.

Oh, and I’ve also noticed that, like monkeys, I too am more likely to be rewarded with sex for certain activities:

• Fixing the noisy toilet, 12% more likely
• Cleaning the floor, 24% more likely
• Taking a shower, 58% more likely
• Taking my wife for ice cream, 95% more likely
• Sending my wife off to shop for a day, ka-ching 200% more likely (that’s right, twice ;)

Well, go figure.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, my wife’s feet look sore from shopping and I could use some monkey love. ;)